The morbid joke of the day

You think my son’s Economics professor has it bad when both of his kids were sick and had to cancel class and stayed home to look after them, listen to this.  Yesterday, my husband was doing a follow up laser up eye surgery for his cataract replacement lens and when he came home with my middle one driving him, I thought they blotched up the surgery and he was in distress and so he asked the son not to go to school.  So here is my 17 year old son, not knowing what to do.  I said email your professor and said, “My father was getting surgery not to be blind and my mom is dying and in a morphine haze and I have to look after them.”  I laughed so hard after saying it.  I think I haven’t laughed at anything for years and I laughed and laughed.  Imagine a filial piety filled Asian son having to look after his parents and couldn’t go to school.  It’s still not allowed in California truancy law.  So when suddenly when my husband announced he was going to work, I was like, “What?” And he pulled back the son for me??? No way.  I sent my son to school at once.  He never got to give the Economics professor this reason since he wasn’t absent but I got to share the joke with my visiting nurse.  Only when you are in Stage IV you could joke like that.

By the way, I want to thank everyone for leaving encouragement at my blog.  I really appreciate them.  I read every one of them but am too tired to respond to every single one.  But you know I know I’m in your prayers.  A big thank you to all of you.

In A Fog

I’ve been on a roller coaster ride these last two weeks. Back attack, constipation, then more massive back attack that required my family to carry me to the bathroom.  On Labor Day weekend, my daughter and her boyfriend drove from Davis to visit and I prayed so hard that God will give me a miracle for the walking portion so that I wouldn’t freak her out too much.  Then it happened on Saturday night.  On Sunday morning and thereafter, I could start walking again. Praise the Lord.  Just in time to give my daughter hope that her mom is not spiraling downwards.

Then a few days ago, hospice sent a professional massage therapist over to work on my back and I caught a nasty cold, threw up, felt loopy most of the time, the body not feeling my own.  The following night, the back pain came back with a vengeance, and now even the front ribs for some reason.  So after these many months of thinking that it’s muscle spasms only, I now know it’s probably deeper that topical ointment or bandages won’t be able to fix.

Since then I have finally succumbed to taking liquid morphine every 2-3  hours. I feel loopy most of the time but I will figure this out and get maximum mileage out of the drug and the time I have.  As you all know, I have been trying to stay away from morphine all this time because I was worried that I couldn’t hear the Lord with a barrier of medication, and that morning before the nurse came, I cried and cried and cried buckets but He gave me permission to take it.  I could still hear Him and talk to Him and when I have 25 mins of clear headedness within the 2-3 hours, I read the Word or draw.  I continue to thank Him.  I thank Him for morphine, and I thank Him for keeping the channel open.  At least now, I am pain free.

And not only that, the Lord continues to peel layers and layers of unfinished business and inadequacies that I have.  This is a very special time with my family, as I am bed ridden and they look after me around the clock when they are not at school.  I even got a new wardrobe of sleepwear because that’s what I am wearing most of the time and when I leave it to the boys to do the laundry, I need more than 2 change of clothes.  I feel so spoiled with 7 pairs of sleepwear and more to come from my shopping-happy husband.  On the bright side, I am finishing at least 2-3 drawings everyday, zen doodle style.  Too bad I don’t have the energy to upload them anymore.  I could make it to the dining room and back and that’s it for now.  One of these days, I’ll go farther.  I have not given up hope that Abba is going to heal me in the end.

Bless the Lord

Sometimes I wonder how much more my heart could take when I cry out and sob and weep so miserably for the sick, the unsaved and my friends stuck in their Christian walk.  Today, I felt as though my heart was failing and would break apart any moment and I managed enough strength to crawl into bed. For only a few, I feel that way already.  How much more a burden our Lord carries for the whole humanity every moment.  Does Jesus smile on the world more than He grieves for it?

Posted June 15, 2014:

Just came back from another 5 day trip dropping off my daughter’s car for her 5 hours away and taking an 8 hour Amtrak train/bus home. I’m exhausted.  During those few days, I was waiting and waiting for the car to have a major overhaul and one thing led to another and we still don’t have the car and in the meantime, I had no access to McDonald’s for french fries and milkshake to boost my calorie intake.  Chinese noodle dishes just don’t cut it for protein or calorie count and I think on average, I could only stay awake 5 hours each day, mostly bed ridden because of poor diet.  Protein shake and protein bars are the only way and I didn’t have access to any that were sugar free without transport.  Glad to be home.  But all is not lost.  A friend lent me 21 cancer caregiving support books and I whipped through all but 3 of them so that was productive.

Ever since the Benny Hinn Miracle Service and the Bethel Redding Healing Conference, I had been weeping a lot for those who weren’t healed and also those who refuse my offer of prayers, those who walk away at the mention of God but I think I feel finally more stabilized.  I now understand the grief of the Trinity of our sickness, illness, stubbornness, arrogance and pride.  I’ll just have to do my best and press on to transmit that love from God.  I am finally back to a more stable operating level.

Give thanks

These two weeks I have consistently met homeless people, strangers in the street, and new patients all diagnosed with Stage IV cancer and the recurrent thread in our life is that we are all grateful for every day that we are still alive.  When I ask them what to pray for them, the first thing is not necessarily the total healing of their bodies, but that their families be able to walk with them spiritually and emotionally, or that their financial circumstances would just be a bit more stabilized while they ride through this storm of their life.  And then, they ask for removal of this incurable disease.

I believe the acknowledgement that cancer is incurable has already prepared the fellow patients and therefore spiritual and emotional health come to the forefront.  Very often, God has already touched their soul and strengthened them as they go through this trial while their family is still lagging behind.

Chris Gore, the director of the healing ministry, in Bethel Church, Redding, wrote in his book, Walking in the Supernatural, about giving thanks for every little things the Lord gives us and here’s a wonderful illustration.

At one of his conference, he called up a man in the audience in the front and gave him 1 cent and asked him if he is thankful to the Lord. He said he was and he thanked the Lord for it. Then Chris gave the man a $10 note, a 1000 times increase.  “And now?” Chris asked.  The man was very thankful and praised the Lord again. The director said you have to be constantly thankful for every small thing because the Lord will bless your gratefulness. Unknown to the director, the man was in dire need of $50,000 and that day, he went back to the parents-in-law house for lunch. The in-laws were trying to sell the house for a whole year and the market was down and no one was buying but at lunch time that day, suddenly, the realtor walked in with a prospective client and the client put a deposit down on the spot to buy the house. The in-laws previously have promised their son-in-law that if they ever sold their house, they would give him $50,000. The man ran back to the conference to report what happened with being grateful for 1 cent.

When we give praise to the Lord for every single breath in the morning, He will hear us and bless us.  For every improvement we feel on our bodily, emotional and spiritual state, thank Him for the progress and we will see more coming.  Do not focus on what He hasn’t done yet.  Negativity never works. Focus on what He has blessed you with already.  For my fellow cancer patients, when I pray for them, I ask also for the small improvements they want to see immediately: a return of the taste bud that has been traumatized by chemotheraphy, agility in fingers that has been numbed by neuropathy so they could play the keyboard again, an opening up of the throat so they could swallow pills without difficulty and sing praises again.  Those are the areas I pray for first, and then the rest.  Healing comes in many forms: miracles which are instantaneous and you see immediately, evident mostly in conditions like a bad back, a hurt joint, arthritis, asthma, stomach pain and etc; healing which could be longer term and takes time; and emotional/spiritual healing with or without physical healing to follow.  Kathryn Kuhlman, the evangelist in the 60’s and 70’s who healed thousands just by talking about the goodness of Jesus in her healing services said that it is God’s sovereign right to heal.  She doesn’t know how He does it and she doesn’t need to.  It’s all God.  And we need to appreciate all that He does for us no matter how minute the improvement is.

Don Moen’s song  Give Thanks echoes this need for gratitude nicely.

 

A love song for heaven

My best friend, Denise, passed away the week I was traveling and I never got to say goodbye to her.  I was heartbroken that she left so soon despite the Lord having touched her and held her pain back from cancer.  But she got her wish.  She passed her 62nd birthday.  On the long 5 hour drive home, I was teary, but also more determined than ever before to lay hands on every cancer patient that I meet and pray for them.  For the last two hours of the drive, I couldn’t stop humming the song, Ain’t No Mountain High Enough by Diana Ross.  Ever since a young age, I loved this song for its high crescendo and lyrics.  Unlike the song, I Will Follow Him by Little  Peggy March which also describes a love where  “There isn’t an ocean too deep, A mountain so high it can keep me away”, but totally a song just for my husband, I believe Diana Ross’ song was written for God and me.  When I was young, I always wondered if there is a love that

Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no river wide enough
To keep me from you.

That day as I drove back, I understood finally.  I am coming after you, God.  I’m not going to stop until I see you face to face and get everything I could from you, to save these poor suffering fellow souls down here on earth. It’s unnecessarily that we are sick.  It’s unnecessary that we die of cancer.  It’s unnecessary that we spend eternity elsewhere other than heaven.  I am coming after you to get all the gifts, all the strength and all the stamina I could to bring as many as I could to you.  It hurts.  It really hurts, to see my friends all dying off like flies one by one afflicted with cancer, 6 within the last 6 months.

I read from a book that a musician once had a heavenly experience and he heard one of his songs being sung in heaven.  He asked why his song was up there and the answer was that heaven gave it to him in the first place.  And while this song might be a secular love song, the love described between Jesus and his bride (the church, the followers, believers) is a two way street and is exactly how I feel.  I would not be surprised to hear this song when I get to heaven.

So I encourage everyone to find your own love song between you and God and sing it often, make it your own.  Don’t worry if the artist has been in drugs, has a doubtful lifestyle and fall badly.  Look at the Old Testament and see how even King David, King Solomon, Gideon fell, not to mention Samson.  But in between, their one time faith and obedience were noteworthy.  And none of us is a fallen case until the last breath.  God is very patient.  He waits patiently for everyone to ask for his forgiveness and rejoin him, even a murderer on death row.

A Peter moment

So you think the Two Jonah Moments were not enough, listen to this.  I pulled a Peter moment.

My swelling leg for the last 6 months continued to bother me, to the point where I stopped eating tofu, soya bean, broccoli, brussel sprouts, not a lick of chicken soup or beef soup, and even fish, my staple, made me flare up.  Over the last 3 months, I was frantic.  I went to five churches so that the pastors could pray for me and to no avail. Then a very devout Christian prayed for me and on both occasions. the massive swelling went down immediately within the hour.  He has tried to educate me on having full faith in God’s healing and not to be double minded, not to doubt.

Then it happened again yesterday.  My knee was so weak that I could hardly walk, along with jabs at mid-shin and mid-thigh during the last two weeks but the moment he prayed on it, I was like a normal person again for the entire afternoon and evening just like the first two times.  Then last night, I took my cancer drug at 1:27 a.m. and by 3:00 p.m., the jabs returned with equal intensity.  My internal organs are being increasingly affected by this drug, to the point I couldn’t sleep or eat, and had been limping (dragging my leg around) the last few weeks.  When I swim, I couldn’t use my left leg at all and very soon, it becomes so painful after 10 laps I had to get out.

Then I remembered what Peter, the apostle, said to Jesus before he went to Gethsemane, the garden at the foot of the Mount of Olives in Jerusalem where Jesus and his disciples prayed just before Jesus’ crucifixion.  Jesus told the apostles that they would all fall away and Peter said, “Even if all fall away, I will not.” 

“I tell you the truth,” Jesus answered, “today–yes, tonight–before the rooster crows twice you yourself will disown me three times.” Mark 14:27-31

The healing was obvious.  God’s healing was immediate on three occasions but no, I double backed.  I felt exactly as Peter did in Mark 14:72.  All this time, I asked Him to use me abundantly, and I double backed.

So after a teary morning of discussions with my husband and my two boys, I have peace.  My youngest is of the same mind as my husband, lower the dosage or try the second drug.  But that is not the point.  I no longer wish poison in my system.  I no longer want to fight without God beside me.  My middle one understood and said,” Let mom do what she wants and let God do what He has planned for her.”  That brought me to tears.  Of all the three kids, my middle son understood me the most.  At noon, I went for a walk with my husband so that I could update him with what I have been doing at church and outside of church. We have been a bit out of touch these few months as I have been suffering in silence. In due course, he will understand.  God will open his heart one day.  Pray for me, everyone.  I am running on God’s fumes now.  But I am at peace.  My times are in His hand.

 

Two Jonah moments

Throughout the last few months, I have been evangelizing everywhere I went, fervently and furiously but without much success.  During all of December, I was in the doldrums.  Not only was I house bound (meaning not being able to go to the pool) because of the removal of an in-grown toe nail that took 2 extremely long weeks to heal, I had to travel to Southern California for 2 weeks to visit the in law, and when I got back I was absolutely infected by my daughter’s hacking cough and flu for another week.  So 5 weeks in a row, I stewed.  But during that time, without all that activity, I thought about my lack of effectiveness in evangelizing and then about myself, my mission and then I realized that the most important people that I had to evangelize to was my family members.

In the Old Testament, in the Book of Jonah, Jonah the prophet was asked by God to go to Nineveh to preach and convert all the wicked people there.  Jonah was really quite something.  He said no.  He didn’t like the Ninevites at all and didn’t want them to be saved.  What kind of a prophet is that?  The more God insisted, the more Jonah ran away to the point where he booked a cruise and headed out anywhere in the open sea away from land, away from God.  God persisted, and Jonah kept running.  God caused a storm so tumultous that all the sailors on board called on their own idols, gods and higher power or what not to try to pacify the storm but Jonah was in the lower bunk, sulking, hiding.  The captain went down and asked him why he wasn’t calling on his god to help him and Jonah explained that he was the cause of the storm.  Then pray, the captain urged.  But Jonah wouldn’t.  He said, “”Pick me up and throw me into the sea,” he replied, “and it will become calm. I know that it is my fault that this great storm has come upon you.” Jonah 1: 12.  Basically, he was saying, “I’d rather die than do what God asked me to.”

And I did just that.  For the last 10 years since I was baptized as a Christian, I didn’t dare face my husband in talk of God.  He was too critical, too sharp and too scary for me to handle.  And I had chosen a spiritual death for 10 years.

Jonah moment no. 2:

My left leg has been swollen on and off for 6 months and increasingly every week in the last few months to the point that it was ballooning at times no matter what I ate.  I sulked at the same time during those 5 weeks.  It was similar to Jonah who sulked after Nineveh whose people, contrary to his expectation, all repented and Jonah was greatly displeased and was angry.  He fled to Tarshish and stewed.  God provided a vine to give him shade and the next day, provided a worm to eat up the vine and caused it to wither and sent scorching wind in and Jonah complained.  Jonah complained a lot, didn’t he?  So did I.  Here I was, having been delivered from the jaws of death one year ago, with God pulling me through the entire year, with no pain at all for an end stage cancer patient, would spend 5 weeks sulking about a swollen leg when there are people out there who “cannot tell their right hand from their left hand.” Jonah 4: 11

Classic, isn’t it?  Do you have Jonah moments?

 

Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

Not sure why but I am always attracted to books about dying. This one is called Tuesdays with Morrie: an old man, a young man, and life’s greatest lesson.  The title doesn’t tell much but it is a student now grown up reconnecting with his professor who was diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), Lou Gehrig’s disease, which incapcitate his neurological system. Bit by bit, from the legs up, he would lose function and control of it, until his entire body is laid to waste even though his faculty is still there.

The Long Road…Stage 4

This is a repost of all that I have written about myself since my cancer diagnosis in November 2012  from a previous blog.  I’ll put it here as evidence of how God lifted me up and I thank once again all of you who have prayed for me, encouraged me along the way and continue to keep me in their prayers to this day.  THANK YOU!!! and HUGE BEAR HUGS!!!!

Posted August 15, 2013:

Well, it’s the monthly report and yes, praise the Lord, the cancer marker went down again.  From 6.1, it went down to 5.9.  I’m very happy, and so are the nurse and the doctor.  I even put on one pound and am now 110.  I managed to talk to a fellow patient at the waiting area.  He wasn’t doing very well and we found out that he was working in the Pacific fleet in the 60’s and would call on Taiwan and Hong Kong.  And during the time he was there, every time the US fleet visited Hong Kong, they had to give 2/3 of the water from their storage to them.  I at once exclaimed, “Thank you, thank you.  I didn’t know you were there to save us.”  I was too young but I remembered those years we started off with water rationing from 4 hours everyday to one hour every four days.  We didn’t have a dam back then.  Now I know how we managed to pull through.  And he said that there’s a desalination plant right on board and they take the water from the ocean and could make 14,000 gallons an hour.

[Book Review] Hope Is Contagious by Ken Hutcherson

Hope Is Contagious by Ken Hutcherson is written by an ex-NFL football player turned pastor in the South who has been afflicted with cancer for 7 years and everyday is worse than the last in pain and discomfort.  He spends most of his time in chemotherapy and throws up constantly.  Yet, he is cheerful when he walks into the clinic, among cancer patients, because he too sees his life as zestful and with a purpose.  All that throwing up is worth it if he could bring a smile to people around him.  Very encouraging book for cancer patients and for someone looking into why one suffers.  Plainly, without suffering, we won’t know the Grace of the Lord.

Reposted from previous blog entry dated June 5, 2013.