These few weeks, I have spent most of my time in bed and to the bathroom and it had been tough not to be able to do more. Life seemed so dismal. My elder son hurt his back while massaging mine and my youngest one rubbed me the wrong way that I gave up and instead, used non-stop showers to move the morphine faster when it hurt. After a couple of days, I thought about it and changed course. I am going to stay as alert as I could by not flushing the morphine around. This week, I started walking to the dining room for my meals finally and my husband is relieved. It is rough to have the whole family to expect you to die and keep telling you not to overstretch yourself every day. Without hope, one could not go on for long.
During this week, the Lord also opened my eyes to a few things. I’ve been snapping at my husband to be fair to the boys and one night, when my heart seemed like failing and I was ready to go, I felt fear. This was the first time I feared and wondered why. Then I remembered.
1 John 4:18
There is no in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.
Especially when you are dying, you need that love, or you die in fear.
The next evening, my husband was snapping at the oldest son and before I knew it, I was snapping at my youngest son. I felt so bad that I had to go and apologize to him. The next morning, the Lord reminded me that even as we die, we have to die as Christian. I told the Lord I’m the one who is dying and I still have to be good? Yes, we cannot be snapping Christians even as we die. I then realize how God must have felt when He sent His only Son to earth and every one tried to kill him, and yet Jesus Christ was kind to us.
Then it reminded me when my mom in Hong Kong said two of our nieces are not going to have kids because they don’t have the time. One is raising a dog and the other just want to work. Then I realized how much importance our heavenly Father tried to show us that as a parent, we want to dote on our children. You have to have that parent/child relationship to understand how to pass on this love of Jesus Christ to others. So if you plan to be childless, go to some charity outfit or adopt a cousin and learn to love and give. Read 1 Peter1: 14-19.
Thank you to all who left messages and prayers, again. I appreciate them.
Sandra Li-Pham 
How much grace you show…Your faith inspires me…I never want to take anything for granted and yet I do…my heart hurts for you…it must be so hard for your family which makes it harder for you…Sandra can I do anything for you or your family? Anything? Would you like a visit? I love you sister in faith.
Jean Gomes
Dear Sandra, your sharing is insightful, priceless, touching, uplifting. God is good empowering you to write with wisdom and truth. grateful with love, amy
You are a teacher and student of so many lessons Sandra, through your writings you have shown us – through life, no matter the trials, the principles remain the same. Your faith and sheer determination have been incredible demonstrations of what you can do under the most adverse circumstances, there is no doubt you have been tested in many, many ways and gracefully managed through. Yes, you’ve given me a lot to consider ~
I think about you and your family, but mostly you – you’ve walked this incredible journey in the most admirable way as I think back on everything you have done over the past couple of years, especially this last year.
Sandra, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers ~
Sandra, this is Heidi in AL from Wetcanvas. I had left you a comment, but it doesn’t show, so I will try again. I want you to know, you and your beautiful family have been in my thoughts and prayers. You are a remarkable courageous woman and I send love and hope to you all.
I am so glad that you provides this blog for us to know about your current updates. I was worrying about you when Ernest told me that he tried to reach you for a few times but couldn’t get a hold of you, but now I feel relieved after having read your posts here. Even though we don’t get to contact and see each a lot, we have been praying for you and will continue to remember you in our prayers!!