In A Fog

I’ve been on a roller coaster ride these last two weeks. Back attack, constipation, then more massive back attack that required my family to carry me to the bathroom.  On Labor Day weekend, my daughter and her boyfriend drove from Davis to visit and I prayed so hard that God will give me a miracle for the walking portion so that I wouldn’t freak her out too much.  Then it happened on Saturday night.  On Sunday morning and thereafter, I could start walking again. Praise the Lord.  Just in time to give my daughter hope that her mom is not spiraling downwards.

Then a few days ago, hospice sent a professional massage therapist over to work on my back and I caught a nasty cold, threw up, felt loopy most of the time, the body not feeling my own.  The following night, the back pain came back with a vengeance, and now even the front ribs for some reason.  So after these many months of thinking that it’s muscle spasms only, I now know it’s probably deeper that topical ointment or bandages won’t be able to fix.

Since then I have finally succumbed to taking liquid morphine every 2-3  hours. I feel loopy most of the time but I will figure this out and get maximum mileage out of the drug and the time I have.  As you all know, I have been trying to stay away from morphine all this time because I was worried that I couldn’t hear the Lord with a barrier of medication, and that morning before the nurse came, I cried and cried and cried buckets but He gave me permission to take it.  I could still hear Him and talk to Him and when I have 25 mins of clear headedness within the 2-3 hours, I read the Word or draw.  I continue to thank Him.  I thank Him for morphine, and I thank Him for keeping the channel open.  At least now, I am pain free.

And not only that, the Lord continues to peel layers and layers of unfinished business and inadequacies that I have.  This is a very special time with my family, as I am bed ridden and they look after me around the clock when they are not at school.  I even got a new wardrobe of sleepwear because that’s what I am wearing most of the time and when I leave it to the boys to do the laundry, I need more than 2 change of clothes.  I feel so spoiled with 7 pairs of sleepwear and more to come from my shopping-happy husband.  On the bright side, I am finishing at least 2-3 drawings everyday, zen doodle style.  Too bad I don’t have the energy to upload them anymore.  I could make it to the dining room and back and that’s it for now.  One of these days, I’ll go farther.  I have not given up hope that Abba is going to heal me in the end.